New Year Wishes!

New Year eve has a funny thing to it! Every new year I feel that this is going to be the most romantic night for me. I live this fantasy of meeting my man. I dream of kissing my man as the clock strikes 12 and marks the beginning of a new year, silently I pray that this is the start of a new world for me.

And as years pass my silent prayer goes unheard… As years pass all my fantasies end… No more Santa Clause, No more Mail Van wishes coming true, No more Joy Birds, No more new year Prince! Its sad to have all this crash down.

But, this time around I learnt something new. I learnt that while all these dreams and fantasies don’t come true, God does send me my angels, not just on the eve but all year round, Disguised Angels! These are people I meet and want to meet everyday! People who make me smile on days I decide not to! This year end I am not going to wait for a prince to come kiss me, rather I am going to wait for that frog to come make me smile and give me all the joy I deserve. The frog I choose to ignore every year! My real angel! Totally God sent!

You don’t get to choose your angels, they are simply God sent customized to your needs!

Frozen Past...

Maybe we should sit and talk
Maybe its not really this complicated
Are we ready to listen?
What if there comes a day when you tell me that you don’t want me by your side?
What if there comes a day when you look at me and don’t feel the same about me?
What if you wake up one day and find out that I don’t really love you...

Shadows of my past grip me as I try to love you. This heart of mine runs for what it doesn’t have and can’t have ever. It’s a fantasy I want to live in, a world full of love and laughter. It shatters my brittle heart to see how painfully different reality is! If only I had wished for what I really wanted...

Possessiveness!!

Everyone has some things in them that are "Not Right!" Things that people call flaws. Sometimes I wonder if it is right to rate these- Bigger flaws and smaller flaws. People say that getting possessive or getting jealous easily is a flaw. I beg to differ. Why is everything put to- You need to have trust in a relationship..!! Pulleeaase! If there was no trust you wont let the guy even take you out at night! Trust is there but is it wrong to expect your guy to "Not Flirt" with other gals, while you sit waiting for him? When you give your complete self to someone, is it wrong to expect that someone to atleast keep certain emotional outbursts to you and only you? It's not like you are expecting him to give you his everyday timetable and not even like a requirement for him to call you up and let you know of each and every step he takes? No, thats where trust comes in. You trust him to do the right thing, for himself, for you and for your relationship. But when this someone gifts kisses and hugs around? For me, that's still something that'll disturb me! I accept it- I am possessive by nature but that does not mean that I am killing the guy with me. He is still living and living the way he chooses to live, I would just want him to choose me for all the intimate love he has! I don't think that's possessive!!

And you know what, no matter what people say, everyone is possessive and a little Jealous deep down! But not everyone has the courage to accept it! Why is this such a bad word?? I would love to have someone want me to only give him my romantic attention- It'll only show him how much I care and value his love! Its certainly not indicative of any of us being low on self confidence! People who think this way, need to definitely think again! ;)

Ruins...

She told him she’s leaving. He kissed her goodbye and asked her to be careful.
She walked away… he called out to her for one last glance… She looked at him, her eyes glistening with tears… And just then, in the flash of a lightening, they came back to her… all the dreams they had woven together… All the times of laughter… all the times of love and beauty… the castle they built together… he saw only the ruins! She wanted to stop and wait longer in her world of love and laughter, her fantasies, her happiness, Couldn’t see that there were just ruins now! Her beautiful dream had broken, the hope dead! There’s no peace for her.. Nothing to put her heart to rest…Cold, and Closed she turns her back to her world…

You aren’t here even when you are here…
I am gently drifting away…

The Kiss..!!

What does a kiss mean to you? Ever tried interpreting kisses? I am going to do that fatal thing right here!

Lets start from the beginning, the first kiss always remains the first kiss and even if you probably hate the person now, you know that you would never be able to forget him and that moment you shared with him. The first time you felt touched. The first time you felt someone got to know you, probably the first time you actually came to know yourself and your needs.

Then there is this kiss that comes with sympathy. She kisses him cuz he is a great person and he is madly in love with her. She doesn’t love him but can’t afford to break his heart (She hasn’t learnt the trick yet!) That kiss would always make you feel good cuz of the glint you get to see in the guy’s eyes after the kiss.. It is a wonderful feeling!

There are crushes and infatuations in everyone’s life. When you actually kiss the person you are infatuated with, you feel you have achieved what you had set out to do. Its more of a victory. The feeling is great but the value of the kiss falls everytime after the first moment!

The completely hot n wet kiss! If you haven’t experienced this then you have seriously lost out on something in your life! There are times when there is no love and no affection or even emotional bonding. Just Attraction! Plain attraction and there is a situation which is perfect! That’s when you realize that you have this undying desire of kissing this someone and you make it a point to give way to all the pent up energy in you, revealing the lust in you! It sure is exhilarating!

Finally there comes the kiss with someone you truly believe you love. You may want to believe that you aren’t a good kisser or he isn’t but you both know that this kiss is the most beautiful! Not because this is the wettest or the one where you win but because this is the one where you surrender and there is so much joy in giving yourself completely to this one person you want to trust. It’s the most beautiful feeling. Its like you have just touched an angel just had your first contact with something divine. God’s come down to you and told you that you are being loved and looked after…

Each has its own pleasure if you can make your relationship last forever, each kiss will be the best. Each leaving you with different emotions… Love, Lust, Thrill, Affection, Security, Reassurance…

My Life's Melodies...

I always have a song on my mind.. n like always..!! There’s good to it.. I like humming it over n over again.. a happy day gives me a happy song n so does a angry frustrating day… the problem comes when I associate songs with people… n believe me I do it! I actually have songs for people… songs that remind me of moments with them.. random moments… precious moments... moments of laughter...moments of pain...even moments of anger! Today I sit and think that I am probably not doing justice to my music. People come n go and in my life this happens very often (Don’t start blaming me for it now!) So when people walk away so do their songs.. Somehow I can never listen to those songs again, they always remind me of those moments and that causes so much pain that I’d rather not listen to the song… My I tunes playlist is like my life playing… With each song there’s a different chapter of my life unfolding…Chapters I have sometimes felt like erasing! You delete the song, block the person away.. But what do you do with memories? What do you do with this heart that still wants to hum the same song over n over again… Won’t people ever understand, by leaving me alone they take my melodies away… they take pieces of my life away…

Dont live A "Whatever" Life!!!

I know its been long since I wrote in somethin.. Was home on vacation.. This time I'm gonna post lyrics of this song by Haylie Duff... The lyrics are something I truly feel n so I thought what better than just posting the lyrics here for what I feel... Here they go...

Did I hear you say "Whatever"
Turn and walk away forever
Was it my mistake or did we just get too close?
Well till we meet again I think you better learn to

Live for the sake of living
Love till your heart is breaking
Give your all and dont hold back,
Tell the truth and dont forget to Laugh till your body's aching
Cry till your hands are shaking
Wherever you go, whatever you do dont live a whatever life.

Betcha think its cool to never
Care about the things that matter
Was it just a dream or did we feel something real?
You'll be all alone until you finally start to

Live for the sake of living
Love till your heart is breaking
Give your all and dont hold back, tell the truth and dont forget to Laugh till your body's aching
Cry till your hands are shaking
Wherever you go, whatever you do dont live a whatever life.

It's been a long time waiting till I'm moving on.
I'm ready to be strong and Live for the sake of living,
Love till my heart is breakin!!

Cry On Your Own...

It starts easily like all of them do
Then after a while you'll beg for the truth
Trust would vanish and faith will be no good
Make me a memory and do it with speed
Just open your eyes and follow my lead

For all your episodes what have I to show
Just one fickle heart and we're all alone
Your mounting misery so tenderly meek
It can't find its way when you open to speak

Get away from me don't hurt me more...
If you need to cry just cry on your own...

Live-In Relationships... What Say?

Live Ins… hmmmm….. Almost everyone has an opinion on this one... An increasing number of couples today prefer to live together before actually tying the knot. It makes me wonder… why would someone want to go to such lengths to test a relationship? Can testing a relationship ensure you a longer lasting happy marriage? Keeping the moral issues aside, there are a lot of studies that show that living in with your partner before marriage, first- reduces the possibility of a marriage at all and second- increases the risk of divorce!!

I am still old school on this one, I feel Love and understanding is enough for two people to feel that their relationship is strong and that they will always be together. I have been through ups and downs in relationships but I still have hope that when I am in love, I would not have to test my relationship by giving it a dry run, like some rehearsal dinner!! I think its important to marry cuz the love that we all want from a partner is not possible without both having the commitment to try to make it last. N I really don’t think two people can actually be truly committed to each other without marriage. So, that’s my thought… what do you think?

PS: I still luurrvee being single and marriage is no where on my charts right now! ;)

Chivalrous Men- A Dying Breed?

I was talking to this colleague of mine at work today and the usual discussion of “Oh you are a woman, you get the special treatment all the time!” started off… It struck me to know that my friend here felt that, men who are chivalrous have forgotten to live like a “Real Man.” Makes me wonder…

Does the so called macho man feel that a chivalrous man is a lesser “Man?” Don’t you feel that even having this kind of an attitude is robbing men of what women actually want from them? Somehow no matter how much women speak about equality, the “damsel in distress” situation is still common! Every woman would want her guy to save her off her life’s issues once in a while. This certainly does not mean that she cannot do things on her own but only sometimes she would love to see her man get her out of situations! Equality between men and women works well in the workplace or among peers but in a relationship? Naaa…. There the lady needs to be treated like one… C’mon guys if you love her show her you respect her and be chivalrous… Why make such a fuss about it?

Freedom?

Some relationships are hard to define… Those that you find hard to give a tag to… No one understands but you… Some make you smile and some others can only make you feel miserable… Sometimes you hate someone and would rather never look at them or talk to them, but when they call, you still talk to them like nothing has happened! Is it so tough being angry with someone and showing it to them?? Is this the reason why people drink and get sloshed..? So they can tell people exactly how they feel about them and not feel guilty about it later.. You can always blame the alcohol for everything…!! We are running a race here, struggling to live an ordinary life, fighting our emotions each moment, polishing them, fitting them in this world’s ways… We smile when we are supposed to and act cordial even when we don’t truly feel that way... so caught up inside our own made rules and regulations… what human and civic rights are we fighting for then? What’s more important is to fight these shackles of thought and perception of ‘Right’ and ‘Wrong’ that we have created inside us..!! They call this a century for the rebellious- for people who are entitled to freedom!! I think its time we think that over!

Ramblings...

I haven't posted anything here for long and there's a reason to it.. I realized that whenever there was a passing thought in my mind, I scribbled it somewhere and decided that I would think more on it and write a post when I get some more time... which I never got.. So then I decided why not just post all those random thoughts here.. and that's what I have done! I ramble on...

One song that I listened to while writing ‘Love Turns to hatred’: You’re So Gay- Katy Perry..!
Its one of those songs that you listen to at the loudest volume and scream along with… and when the songs is over you feel like you have just come back from church.. Relieved… Satisfied… Content…!

Sometimes, I want to play hide and seek with life… I want to hide away from all my sorrows and loneliness and wait silently for happiness to come find me! I’ll scream with joy then… n there’ll be laughter everywhere… n beauty just how I would want it to be…

I wish I was invisible so I could cry out loud in the open without having people judge me and call me weak!

All day I think of ways to avoid you and ignore you completely and when night falls I see you in my dreams and live the life I wish to live deep down… Your warm kiss is like felicity that knows no taint of sin… You make me hum in soft sweet undertones when I know that I should instead be running away from you! Sometimes I wonder why…

Pretty random huh... that's exactly how my mind works.. fleeting thoughts find their way in and out.. and life goes on...

Tell me a Story...

When I was a child, I felt that my life was a story being read by the Fairy Godmother to all the children and what terrified me most was that I knew that one day, the fairy will close the book and my life will end. Now that I have learnt my ABCs and I know that my life is not really a fairytale, there is still some truth in this belief that I once had. It does seem like a story being read to someone… Just not a story anyone would call a fairytale! Things just happen in my story and they happen when you least expect them to. People come and go...It’s like someone reading out a story where things happen just so the story makes some sense. Interesting no doubt, but Grey! I call it a 'Grey' 'cause there is nothing that is completely tainted (Black) and nothing that's completely pure (White) here... so the shade's 'grey' where things happen and are then left to human perception to place them as 'Black' or 'White'...

And so, I smile because I know that no matter how "grey" my story may be, it belongs to me and somewhere deep down I know that I make it, while some mighty force up there "shapes" it... Someday, the Fairy Godmother will close the book and stop reading... the children will sleep and my story will be forgotten...

I Choose To be Happy!

Sometimes the best feeling is just to breathe and smile, it can change our outlook on life. I like to reflect on my life and all the good and bad things in it on a regular basis and more times than once I realize that even if I thought someone to be the worst person in my life for some time, they did teach me something! Somewhere deep down I know that it is because of them that I am a stronger person now. It’s not the same naïve ‘me’ who trusts everyone and laughs and smiles genuinely with everyone with a warm looking face.

At the same time, I think of people I misunderstood, people I thought were hurting me, but were actually always there for me and still are. I take time out and silently say a prayer for them- thanking them for having faith in me and for making me have some hope in humanity.

I can say today that I am a happy person and I am happy because I choose to be happy. There were tough times but I have learnt from them and picked the best I could from it and moved on. I quote:

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance.
The wise grows it under his feet.
- James Openheim

Unquote

Can We Define Love?

They say that the most important thing in any relationship is the level of understanding between two people and the love between them. How exactly would you define love here? I don’t get it! They say that when you are in love you just get to know. You feel happy, you feel like smiling, you keep thinking of the person you are in love with and all you can do is dream of a future with them. Now comes the truth… Its just human tendency to love getting appreciated, to love being loved. So isn’t it just the feeling of being in love and being loved in return that we are actually in love with and not the person himself? Does the person have anything to do with this? Probably not! That’s what gives us the ability to pick up the ashes of a burnt relationship and move on, in the look of another… You are actually looking for another person whom you could love better… who could love you better… Make you feel better… But, why the need? You could be in love with anything! For me, I fall in love with my music! There are songs that I hear that keep me smiling all day! Isn’t that something love should be doing to you? Well… I think what gives love with a partner and a relationship a deeper meaning is the intimacy that the couple shares. The sexual chemistry… Every other thing can be worked upon in a relationship! (Unless your partner is fucked in the brain, ref. post “Love Turns To Hatred”) If your partner is a good lover, if he knows how to work his way to give you the most awesome orgasm you can ever imagine… You know exactly what to do… Grab him for life and never let go! So, if we had to define love, we could put it as an emotion that you have for a person who makes you feel good while you love him and while he loves you… And of course where the Sex is sizzling!!

Love- A Gamble?

When it comes to men… why are women always ready to gamble? It is a gamble, isn’t it? You invest your time, money, emotions and just a lot of love and you never know of the outcome! Whatever the outcome may be, there still is the never-ending energy to keep looking for the right guy! Why is there always that hope that someone might just come your way who’ll be just perfect and in reality with every relationship you learn to just lower your bars a little. So what are we doing at the end of the day? Compromising! Not while we are in a relationship but as we transition from one to another… Is’nt that true? Everytime a relationship ends we console ourselves remembering everything that was wrong in it and swearing never to get into a relationship with a guy with those kind of issues. And we stick to our word of finding a guy free all the issues of our “Ex” but we also lower our bar in terms of other things that we need of our relationship. And then there are new problems, newer issues… But you know what’s the best part? Everytime you discover new problems you also discover something new about yourself…And I think it is this, that makes us want to get into a new relationship everytime.. It’s a quest of knowing our own emotions well enough to be able to control each one of these emotions someday…We are always ready to gamble on this one! Somehow there is always a hope that keeps telling you that just two more steps, just one more step, and he’ll be right there. Sure there will still be issues and there will be compromises but it’ll last and will last forever, with me happy and him even happier!

What's Your Share In My Happiness?

I was reading this book yesterday and I can't help but wonder now... We give shares of our happiness to all the people we know and whenever someone decides to not care of our happiness anymore they leave! That’s when you realize that a share of your happiness is missing! It’s like a circle that we build around us of people holding on to our happiness in their hands... But what needs to be remembered is that- it is you, at the end of the day, who give these people shares of your happiness... You need to decide how much can you trust each person with a share of your happiness! Don’t we always tend to give a major share to just one person? A person who claims to give us all the happiness in the world but never really does. And when this one person betrays you… you realize that you lost out on a huge share...

Have I been able to see the rest of the hands holding their shares at this time? They are still holding on to their shares even when you were busy ignoring them… They were still there carefully nurturing the decreasing happiness share they had... Do we realize that no matter what… We do tend to take the people who love us the most for granted? And that’s when we keep reducing the happiness share in their hands... If I could just resolve to trust the right people with my share of happiness, I know I can stay happy! I don't want to loose trust in all those other hands just because the hand that held the maximum share betrayed me… I am going to learn to trust the other hands again. That’s life! Right?

Love Turns To Hatred!

Sometimes pain gets too much to handle and this is not the kind of pain a painkiller can help you with..! And most of the times the most painful part about the pain in your heart is the person who has caused this to you.. You would have ignored it had the person not been that important! I am in so much pain right now, I jus want to vent out, so please excuse the abuses and harshness of this post..!

I have been hurt! Hurt by someone I thought was least harmful! My best friend! So called! He hurt me so bad that it almost seems like a mockery to even call him my best friend any more. I realize after all this that in reality I never really knew him. That’s where I had the first thought of this post… Are we living the life of a person people see us to be and pretending to be this superficial person, while being our own dirty ugly disgusting self within? I saw the “made up” side of my pseudo best friend ( I hate just saying best friend again and again!) and then suddenly I caught a glimpse of this ugly side! N a side so ugly that I was shocked! I wanted to run away from everything to a place where I didn’t have to trust anyone! This was a moment where I thought my trust in fact my faith in a person was lost forever. Suddenly I felt, what if everything I ever believed in came to an end just like this image! I feel so angry with him for hurting me so bad. I never knew I would do this but I want to curse him! My fingers are a little jittery as I type this in but I am too overpowered by hatred for him right now! I curse him to miss me every single moment and not have any way of getting in touch with me. I want him to feel guilty for all that he did for me and never be able to apologize for it! I want him to read all the bullshit emails he sent me and cry at each word that he wrote! I want him to cry so loud that he needs a pillow to cover his mouth while crying! I wish he chokes on that pillow! I wish he cries for help at a time when only I can hear him! I wish he calls my name and screams out for me and gets terrified when he does not find me with him! I wish he sees me extremely happy with someone else who knows how to take care of me and does everything that he was not ready to do and dies of jealousy! I wish he has to smile on my wedding day when I am in the arms of the most gorgeously affectionate guy and he is all alone! I wish he does not get to sleep! I wish he can never sleep peacefully. I wish I haunt all his dreams whenever he wants to sleep! I wish his birthday this year gets him horrible news and he cries all day! I wish he feels hurt and dejected! I wish he feels ignored and not loved and cared for I wish he is taken for granted by someone he wants to give his life for! I wish he is never happy personally whatever he may do for himself professionally! I wish he cuts his hand 7 times for the letters in my name! I wish he never enjoys a single party he goes to! I wish every time he sits to drink he thinks of me and cries! I wish he cant develop any sinful habit to give him relief and peace from my thoughts and the guilt of what he did to me! I wish he never realizes the pleasure of having erotic Sex! I wish he never really makes love to anyone! I wish he sees my face in every girl he thinks of dating! I wish he cries and begs to God to be able to meet me to apologize and he never manages to do that! I wish I could slap him really hard!! I wish I really could tell him what a jerk he is and how much I hate him! I wish that he dies the most painful death ever!!!!!

He tells me at the end.. “If you still wanna be friends I will be more than happy” Blah! No! You motherfucking bastard!!!!! I never wanna see your fucked up face again in my entire life!!!! You take your filthy fucked up brain somewhere and go fuck itself even harder! Go screw your own happiness cuz nobody is even interested in doing that for you! Go die someplace! Get lost you asshole!! You are such a looser!!!! You fucked up my beautiful dream so bad! I am never going to forgive you for this! Never! Ever!! No matter how much my heart tells me to..! I am ready to go to hell for not forgiving you and for cursing you but I want you to die of my curses! I want you to drown in your own tears!!! The only sound you hear should be my voice and I won’t respond to you! The only face you see should be mine and that will fill you with guilt for how you treated me! Go fuck yourself someplace and never reach an orgasm! Bastard!

The Perfect Woman..!!

Sometimes it just amazes me to see the difference in ideologies and basically expectations that women have from men and vice versa. A woman whispers in her man’s ear “You don't have to be perfect, to be perfect for me” But is it true even for a guy? Ever heard a guy say that? Unless he is drunk or desperate to get laid… Somewhere deep down men still expect their girl to be perfect despite all odds. Even when its pouring hard a mascara shouldn’t find its way on your cheek… So is it that a woman cannot look ugly..? ever? Is this the reason why all beauty creams first came for the women? And now when even women expect things a little close to perfection from their men… the men still rule the roost! A man leaves his clothes all over the place- he is just busy.. His hair is ruffled and he looks like a mess- he is straight out of the bed and is sporting the sexy look.. But for a woman? She can never be messed up or she is unorganized and clumsy and that’s not how woman should be… who decides this by the way?  

Mr Mood Controller..!

It’s amazing to know the power of one single expression. One minute you are standing and looking at a worn out disheartened face in the bathroom mirror with a blade in one hand ready to slit her wrists and put an end to her miseries and the next moment just one expression turns her life upside down. She feels lit up again. Just one message! Everything starts seeming right in place once again. So the question is: Can you give someone the power to control all your moods and more importantly is it even fair? You decide to put an end to your life and this “mood controller” does not even know about it, and then suddenly he just saves you and gets you back to life without even knowing about it. The heart really does exist then I guess… How else could you explain all these illogical feelings and emotions…

Depression takes a toll!

What a monster some people can suddenly become. I never thought I would feel this way. Is this really depression? What could be worse than getting up in the middle of the night and thinking of ways to kill yourself? Sometimes I wish I could numb myself to certain emotions, no amount of painkillers can help then. Sometimes you just feel like sleeping and never waking up again. You can’t even think clearly of what you want to do. Its not that you are thinking something at length, there is actually just no thinking. No amount of tears help. All they can give you is a sore looking face but that’s that. How can I feel so hated and dejected!! What more is needed to be happy? Is it never ever going to come my way? Am I wasting my time looking for some and expecting it to be mine. Nothing seems right. Nothing seems right! 

SoulMate!!!

Sometimes I wonder...Is there really a soulmate for everyone? Is there really any sense in this concept? Why do relationships seem so transitory? They are good but always seem transitory? How long do you need to wait for a soulmate to come by? Or is it like a search for a treasure that does not really exist… Is this also one of those well kept secrets something like the santa cluse story! Is’nt it better to jus be a kid again and be able to believe again. Does growing up mean accepting to stop believing, to stop expecting anything from anyone and to loose faith in everything you felt so sure of. Is this a process of realizing that there actually is no meaning to the term “happiness?” Everyone defines it for themselves. Everyone finds a man and then start compromizing, adjusting and changing to fit into his perception of "beauty!" And then they call this 'someone' their soulmate...What I wonder is- if everyone can do it.. why is it soo hard for me?

I Miss You..!

I see beauty all around me,

But I cant see you…

I hear the birds sing

I hear the raindrops splatter on my window sill

But I don’t hear your sweet voice.

I touch velvety petals

The winds gently touch my skin

But I crave for your touch

Suddenly the only music to me is the sound of your voice…

They say Love changes you, I never agreed…

Now I know…

 

Your favourite Tv show does not seem interesting anymore,

Your friends don’t seem to make you laugh anymore

Your favourite drink doesn’t seem to give you a high anymore

With tobacco in my lungs and smoke all around

I still don’t feel numb to the pain

Of being away from you…

 

These strange ways of life are so tough to understand

These emotions are so tough to understand

I know you are away for a reason

A reason the world calls great

Then why doesn’t my heart understand

My mind fights with my heart

N no one wins the battle…

I loose, I suffer, I bleed…

 

I dream of a time when we will be together

N there’ll be no wait…

No tears on my pillow..

No smoke to get me numb

 

I love you… I love us..

I wish we could be together…